"Be that as it may, my Father knows best, and I'm confident that He has placed me here; my task is to labor quietly until the pillar cloud removes and leads farther, working out God's purposes in God's time." -Jim Elliot


Beautiful Tapestry

Early on during my first pregnancy, God flung my heart into Psalm 139 with a vengeance. He wanted my soul anchored to the truth that my children were formed and knitted together in my womb by a Creator Who doesn't make mistakes. Not one part of who this life within me was to become was outside of the sovereign hand of He Who fashioned him. Every one of his days were counted before one came to be. These truths have been etched upon my heart through the last four years of pregnancies, parenting, and our adoption journey today. He has continued to be so sweet to remind me why Psalm 139 is my anchor especially through the life of our oldest son, Bryson. 

Psalm 139:1-18: "O Lord, you have searched me and known me!  You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar.  You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways.  Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.  You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me.  Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it.  Where shall I go from your Spirit?   Or where shall I flee from your presence?   If I ascend to heaven, you are there!  If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!  If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.  If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,” even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you.  For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.   My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.   Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.  How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!   How vast is the sum of them!  If I would count them, they are more than the sand.   I awake, and I am still with you."

I have been avoiding writing on our blog for a few months. Not out of shame or wanting to hide, but more because of how sharing some of the deepest struggles in one's life can fillet the heart wide open. But through the power of Christ, we are choosing to share our family's full story. We will not hide the beautiful tapestry He is creating even in the midst of various trials. But just know that this moment has been one truly prayed over and courageously embraced by the grace of God.

His cup for us is different than what we would have imagined it would be. We knew early on that Bryson had some challenges with his speech, and we pursued speech therapy which eventually led to an awareness that he was also facing some sensory processing needs as well. For about 6 months, we were in weekly speech and occupational therapy appointments to help work with Bryson on some of the struggles he was facing. Over that period of time, he was continuing to show need for further help and was not making the progress his therapists were hoping to see. So after much prayer and wise counsel, we decided to see a Developmental Pediatrician at Nationwide Children's Hospital in Columbus, Ohio.

It was through hours of assessments, interviews, history review, and evaluations this September that Bryson was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. This is one of those moments as a parent that you can't sugarcoat. These are the moments when life is hard and we are either going to see reality through the lens of the Gospel, or we are going to see it through the lens of despair. By God's grace, Psalm 139 was already our anchor. "For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb." These beautiful truths within flooded my heart as I heard this word that threatened to be bigger. But it isn't. And it never will be. Because Autism does not define our son. God does. His love and fine intended handiwork in creating every little neuron from the top of his head to the tip of his toes was done exactly as God intended. No mistakes. "I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." 

Bryson's needs in these areas can be very subtle. He has challenges, but to those who don't know us well, these may not even be very apparent. The team who worked with us at Nationwide Children's as well as his team of teachers and therapists at his preschool seem to think that he may even one day not have some of these challenges. That he could learn tools to handle sensory input differently over time. We look forward to walking with him through this, teaching him slowly, taking one step at a time. However, as we pursue therapies and interventions to best meet his needs, we want him to be who he is. We adore him in all of his ways, his quirks, what makes him tick. He is our delight.

Bryson is exquisite.   He is joy.  He has taught us so much about unconditional love.  He loves to explore.  He is innovative and so creative.  His excitement and zeal for life cannot be contained. His heart for others is endless.  He can charm the socks off just about anybody.   There is much to be unlocked in that little mind and spirit.  He is our little "us".  Autism does not define him.  Nor is he defined by what he cannot do and may never do.  Autism may explain some of the struggles he faces with processing speech and sensory input, but it surely does not define him.   It is merely one part of who he is, a beautiful tapestry of unique and incredible qualities that make him Bryson. "My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth."

Do we have hard days? Yes. Are there times when I am moment-by-moment clinging to God's Word to
remind me of what He promised in Psalm 139? Yes. Are there days when I am angry at God and ask Him why? Yes. Are there times when I just wish that God's cup for us was easier? Yes. But are there also days that I embrace this cup, and truly would not change one thing even if I could? Yes. These are the range of emotions and thoughts a mother experiences when discovering that her precious child is facing some of the hurdles that our son is destined to experience. "Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them."

We are reminded through this season with Bryson that we live in a fallen and broken world. Things are not as they should be. But God came to redeem us out of that brokenness. Jesus came to ultimately restore and to make all things new. This we pray He will do not only in the heart of our sons, but also in the life of our daughter. For she is now an orphan, but this too does not define her. She is defined by God, her Maker and Sustainer. And she too will have some hurdles and challenges as a child with special needs who spent her first year or so of life in an orphanage. She will also face the struggles with identity, belonging, and grieving the loss of her birth parents. She will have many hurdles. And I know there are some of you who may be concerned for us. Could this be too much for us? Do we have what it takes to meet the needs of our children? This is the good news. God has created the tapestry of our family by His love. Do we have what it takes? No. But He does. We rest in His plan and what He has called our family to be. Our daughter is not a broken child being brought into a perfect unbroken family. No. She is coming home to a place where the people within will share in her brokenness. We will journey with her, all of us imperfect and all of us reminded through different challenges our need for a Redeemer to make things right. We are a beautiful tapestry fashioned in His design. We wouldn't want it any other way.

There is a song by Daniel Doss Band called "Stained Glass Windows" that I am going to share below.  This song is such a beautiful picture of the work that God is doing in our family to take our many shapes, colors, needs, and gifts to make a tapestry displaying His love. One of my favorite lines in this song is, "When the light shines through, the colors form a tapestry. 100 different images of how You keep loving me." Jesus, thank you for loving us so much to give us this cup. Thank you for entrusting these beautiful, precious children into our care. Thank you for refining us in the ways you see fit. Thank You for how you display Your glory through the broken, through your beloved. We are Your's. Amen.

(For mobile devices, you can go to this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=piWcIRtsnhU )


Julie Cunningham said...

Beautiful! What a great perspective and testimony.

Hunter said...

My heart is singing joyous praises to the Lord. Thank you for sharing this Julie. This blessed my heart! Love you girl.

Go Long! Go Green! said...

Incredible post! Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing how God is working!! :) Such an encouragement to all of us!

Michelle said...

Thank you so much for sharing this. It is beautifully written and even more beautifully lived. Your story reminds me of the poem shared by Corrie Ten Boom about Tapestry:
My Life is but a weaving
between my Lord and me;
I cannot choose the colors
He worketh steadily.

Oft times He weaveth sorrow
And I, in foolish pride,
Forget He sees the upper,
And I the under side.

Not til the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly,
Shall God unroll the canvas
And explain the reason why.

The dark threads are as needful
In the Weaver's skillful hand,
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned.

He knows, He loves, He cares,
Nothing this truth can dim.
He gives His very best to those
Who leave the choice with Him.